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2011-06-23 - 11:20 a.m. Sometimes it is hard to separate what is a thought based from merely my inferiority complex and what is a thought based from realism. I think this one may be realism. I fear I have made a terrible mistake. I fear that years ago, I made the wrong choice and now it is too late. I fear I am trudging waist-deep into a degree which, all things considered, is likely the wrong place for me to be. I fear I turned my back on my real passion, and ignored the things I am obviously good at in hopes that SCHOOL and TRAINING could make me TALENTED. Here's the truth: I don't think I can possibly succeed in this industry. I think it is fickle, and political, and the only way to make money is in TV and FILM. The only way to get work in TV and FILM is by having the right 'look.' And let's face the facts. I do not have that 'look.' I am not a bombshell. I do not have a chiseled jaw or skinny thighs or feminine features. I am not a size two. I do not stand out, physically, in any way. And before anyone jumps to the conclusion that I am fishing for compliments or falling into old habits of crushing self-esteem issues, stop. This is not about that. This is about the REALITY OF THE INDUSTRY. This is about my CAREER. The feeling of competition in this city is enormous. I can't possibly imagine getting work in a city where you have to apply a YEAR IN ADVANCE to work as a VOLUNTEER USHER for a theatre company. I thought coming here would increase my opportunity - that maybe the worst situation would be that I would be one of many auditioning for the numerous opportunities. It seems, however that there are way more people auditioning for fewer opportunities. I am still happy with my choice to move here. I love this city, and I love my school, and I am meeting some of the most amazing people I could ever hope to meet. However, the fear of complete and utter failure, of a life of working in minimum-pay jobs while searching for other work does NOT sound appealing to me. I am afraid I have made a horrible, horrible mistake. I am afraid that I have spent four years in theatre school and still don't feel like i have any idea what I am doing. I am afraid I am putting myself into an industry where you have to be THE BEST or you are NOTHING, and I am most certainly not the best. I just want to be really good at something. Just one thing. I want to feel like I have something to offer. |
