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2011-06-09 - 6:20 a.m. The worst part is all the lying. I'm not stupid, and I can see right through every fucking lie she tries to feed me. My sister is using again. I'm sure of it. And I feel so angry and helpless because she insists that she's clean, even though I KNOW she isn't. But if she won't even admit it, she sure as hell won't make any attempt to fix it. No, I take it back... the worst part is feeling helpless. It seems like right now, her life is mostly under control. She's holding down a full-time job and hasn't cut ties with anyone in the family like she did when her drug abuse got really bad three years ago. But I know my sister, and I understand addiction. It's only a matter of time before she loses control. I'm afraid of what that loss of control could mean. To be blunt, I'm afraid she's going to die. This is not melodramatic of me. It is the only logical endpoint for an addict who continues to use. I can't sleep. My hands are shaky and my heart is in my throat and I feel so fucking helpless that I just want to cry. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I CAN do. I feel like my world is falling down around my ears and I'm all alone because I'm too fucking scared to talk to anyone about any of this shit. The part that is difficult to handle is that my generalized anxiety is getting worse again, with this situation being the catalyst. My day-to-day life rages persistently on, impervious to the fact that my sister is using again. I still have to get out of bed in the morning and get shit done, even when the anxiety feels like it's going to stop my heart. But naturally, I can't fucking talk about any of it, because then I feel like a pathetic loser, like it's all in my head and I should be able to manage it better than I do. I feel sick and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for ranting like this. I feel like I don't know where else to turn right now. |
