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2004-12-08 - 11:28 p.m. some picture in a book
Oh the holidays bring such lust, and togetherness Me...Brings the isolation from everyone. I'm such a fucking jerk. People have happy memories of being with their family, mine are always skewed, why? I don't know. I have a long time ago memory of being at heritage park, around Christmas time, I got lost, wandered around by myself, looked at the carolers, people in olden dress handing out hot chocolate, I reframed and stared at the horses, not even caring where my family was, for I knew I�d find them in the end. I think I was supposed to be a different animal, like a sea turtle, independent at birth. Another memory; sitting behind the Christmas tree, staring through the flickering lights, red, green, yellow, blue, but mostly not blue, if did not like that colour. It was always night when I did this, I�d sit there behind the presents, behind the symbols, behind all the ornaments, chocolates, snow, and the people, and just stare in as if this holiday was some picture in a book. Did I really want it even? I never deserved it. Then we'd always visit relatives on Boxing Day... That was it though, that was what isolated me. Forced isolation, I could never stop it. Nor did I try. FOOLISH
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