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2004-11-18 - 8:52 p.m.
A Rush Of Blood To The Head

"Dear _________,

I'm sorry that it had to end like this, I'm sorry that none of my things are here anymore, but there was no other way.
When I left the first time, and took the majority of my stuff, I wasnt ready. I hadnt thought it through enough, I hadnt realized enough things yet. The last time I left, it wasnt because I was off my meds, it was because I wanted to leave. Yes, you gave me an excuse when that morning you decided to try and fight with me, but that wasnt really why I was going...
The real reason why I left last time, and why I left this time, is that I CAN'T stay here anymore. You may not beleive in the word "can't" , but I know that sometimes it does apply.
I really thought that I could do this, that I could move out and live 'on my own' while still trying to graduate highschool. Work, school, home, I thought it would be easy. But it's not easy, the 16-18 hour days are killing me. I can hardly get out of bed anymore, and I feel like I used to feel in the mornings... lost and depressed and desperate, because I dont know what I'm supposed to do. I feel too tired to go to school, but I cant skip school because I have to do well, so I go anyways and just sleep through my courses.
I've also been thinking a lot about other things... I dont think that an age difference has anything to do with love and that people who are 13 years apart are capable of loving each other very much. But it isnt the number of years that is bothering me about this, it's the fact that I havnt lived at all yet. You've had a chance to do alot of things, live a lot of places, and have a lot of experiences. And as you've said many times before, I havnt had the time to have much life experience. The thing is, if I stay, I never will have the chance to have that kind of experience.
I want to live on my own, ACTUALLY live on my own, where I dont have to feel like I'm just skipping from one provided home to another. I want to buy my own dishes, and my own groceries, and all my own things and have a place that is just completly mine. Not a little room in a home where I dont feel like it's mine at all. I want to live a lot of different places, and try a lot of different things. I still have some traveling to do, and the fact of the matter is that I dont want to settle down yet. I dont want to get married when I'm 18, or 19.
I've known so many people who did things like this...where they were married right away when they were young, but then it ended shitty because they didnt have time to do the things that they wanted. I dont want to miss opportunities, and I dont want to give up on all of the things I imagined for myself.
_______, you've had 30 years to fool around, and date lots of different people (even IF you only came out when you were 26) and I havnt even had 4 years to do that kind of thing. And dont take this as "I'm leaving because I want to go fuck around and date a million guys." but the fact of the matter is, you know what it is you want, because you've had time to get there. You know you want to just settle down now and live the rest of your life with someone, but the rest of MY life is a lot longer than the rest of YOUR life, and I cant just put an end to that. I'm not saying that marriage is the end of everything, that you cant have love or fun or happiness after you get married, but the fact of the matter is, you cant live the same life, and marriage should be a choice that's made after a long time of getting the rest of your life out of the way.
_______, I'm sorry about all of this. And I'm sorry that I've hurt you, I dont want to hurt you, because I do love you a lot, and I do care about you a lot, and even just as a person, you are one of my best friends in the entire world. I dont want to hurt you, but sometimes you have to hurt people... I couldnt subject myself to living this life that I know I dont really want, and if that's selfish, then I'm selfish. I just want you to know that I am sorry, and I hope that some day you might be able to forgive me, although you probably wont be able to. And that someday, we might be able to be friends. That may not happen either, but I would really hate to lose you as a friend, because as I've said before you are one of my best ones.

Again, I'm sorry,
Love..."

Why cant anything ever just be easy?

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