 |
||
|
current |
2004-11-13 - 9:30 a.m. What's contenment and love anyways We like to think we're orbs. Independant from everyone else, best on our own. right? I know i do sometimes. That no body can help us, understand us. That we're the most fucked up thing there is and our lives are full of sorrow. I've laughed at religion a long time now. Or preteneded to laugh. Bible thumpers, what do they know anyways. But lately... I always believed in God, but something in me didn't want to admit it. Laughing at that hopeful child, blindly beleiving. But now... Those sundays in church, the quite lull of the pastor speaking, the awe communion inspired and then when i started listening to the sermon, that heavy but full feeling after, drinking coffee in the common area and confirmation, the white robed proclamation. Maybe religion is foolish, but God? How can a person live thinking we're the highest thing? We can't be, humanity is too desolate. We seek out pride without humility, power without servitude...what ever happened to grace? or courtesy, or love? I'm not sure, but maybe all these problems with being understood, with being loved or opening up, it's all our own doing. That panicky fear when you think about eternity,it goes away when i think of something else.Something good and strong and joyful. Maybe not in the terms we think of God, but something...broader i don't like feeling pinched. I'm sick of drowning in superficial nonsense and ignoring reality. you might groan or laugh reading this, thats alright. I don't care, i'm laying it out for myself. you usually don't recognize when you have to make a decision, but at some point you either have to embrace or completly give something up. You can't just wobble to and fro forever. |
