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2008-12-15 - 12:03 p.m.
A novel.

This has been a hell of a year and I'm still catching my breath and licking my wounds. To say that this has been the hardest, most terrifying, and most enlightening year of my life would not be a overstatement.

Everything changed.

A love that, by all accounts, should have lasted just... didn't, despite my desperate longing for it to. Our relationship was perfect on paper but, dysfunctional in reality, and died a very, very painful death. At first, it seemed that we might both get out of it with our friendship and our dignity still intact, but due to very complicated circumstances, that didn't end up happening, despite many attempts by me to make peace.
At present, it seems that even basic civility is not an option. He has made is clear to me on a few occasions that he doesn't even think I'm worth the dirt on the bottom of his shoes.

There were times, at first, that I thought that of myself as well. But I am better than that. I am not worthless, and I am not a bad person. I am just an honest one, and I am through with apologies.

As hard as the end of that relationship was, nothing could even compare to what my family went through in the summer...
My amazing sister, the most important person in my life, and the one I love more than anything, finally began her road to recovery at the end of June, after years of severe drug addiction.

We had no idea about the extent of her drug use until she went missing in mid-June and we began to travel down the rabbit hole of her life and find out many things that I never, never wanted to know. Learning about things she had done, people she had spent time with, places she had gone... All of it scarred me.

My baby sister, the addict.

I couldn't even believe it. I still can't, really.
Every day, I try to reconcile the two distinct parts of who she is. My sister is a drug addict, but she is also a sweet, brilliant, beautiful, talented, wonderful person. She doesn't fit the traditional "addict mould" -- But then again, I don't think I can believe such a thing exists anymore.

She is doing spectacularly well now, (six months clean on Friday!) and I couldn't be prouder. Watching her grow as a person, and work so passionately on her recovery is inspiring, and I hope to god that she stays clean and happy.
Still, that week she was missing remains the single scariest time of my life. I seriously thought we were going to lose her, and that fear is haunting.

Two important, fundamental areas of my life just... exploded. And within a month of each other.
All of a sudden, my foundation was gone. Everything I thought I knew was wrong.

But good things happened too.

Feelings that had been slowly percolating blossomed into a new relationship, basically out of the blue. I hadn't premeditated anything, hadn't been hoping for anything... It just happened, like a fucking lightning bolt right through the very core of my being.

That is not to say that it wasn't difficult. Needless to say, there were those who were unimpressed by these new developments, and I know very well how it must have looked from the outside. On that score, I will say nothing here. Those who know and love me know the truth, and that is all that matters.

I've learned that a relationship conceived in the midst of upheaval and chaos is a force to be reckoned with. Love that is forced to defend itself from the very beginning becomes fierce, strong and adaptable right away.
When someone is by your side through a crisis such as the one my family experienced, and is completely committed to supporting in any way they can, you see them at their best. Selfless support, and genuine affection without artifice, are hard things to come by, and even harder not to fall madly in love with once they're found. He showed me his true colours, and they were amazing.

This year, I also changed my specialization in school, and also began facilitating youth theatre workshops with a friend from school. This change in direction has proven to be just what I needed, academically. I've found something that I love, and could see myself happily doing as a career. It was a huge change, but it is paying off in many ways.

Overall, I am doing well. I am still dealing with the emotional fallout of my experiences, and some days are harder than others. Most days though, I am very, very content. I am happy with the choices I have made and I can say with confidence that I am happy with the person I am becoming also.

Love continues to surprise and delight me. We were the best of friends before becoming involved, and that strong friendship has given us a very solid foundation upon which to build what is proving to be a very rewarding relationship.

I am watching my family heal and come together in a way I never thought possible. My sister has rallied us together, and for the first time, all of us are united.

Here's to 2009. I'm ready for anything.

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