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2005-12-24 - 12:37 a.m.
I mean i dont understand

Christmas already?
what?
i'm excited but not excited, its all moving way to fast.
School will start up soon, and its the time zone i've been waiting for since september.
It either will happen, or it wont.
I'll be crushed or, actually both ways will crush me.
Both ways are far from good.
Bad is what it is, bad.
I'm not a joke but i feel ashamed for the way i feel.
O.k. so maybe i am a joke.
Or was a joke.
Maybe i'm just a joke to that one person.
Or maybe just a joke to myself.
This obsession has gone on much to long.
I give up.
I'm over it now.
I will never give up.
I cant help to not be over it.
My obsession will fade in time.
My obsession hasnt faded.
Its making me crazy.
I'm already crazy.
I will destory.
I will avenge.
I will get down on my knees.
You will kick me down on my knees.
I was a sad sad drunk over you.
And you treated me like shit and tryed to ignore me that night...but not really, you couldnt, like that other time, but that was a long time ago.
But nothing has really changed.
The numbers on the keys have worn off.
I'm obsessed with you because you remind me of him, who i imagine to be just like me. But hes not just like me, its just imaginary, so your imaginary, and i watch you, and you act your life out, and that pleases me.
I suppose i am a sick fuck
Its making me crazy.
I'm already crazy.
I will destory.
I will avenge.
And i would like to hurt you.
Really bad.
And i would like to do alot of things to you.
But it wouldnt be for you, it would be for someone else.
But it would be delivered to him by you.
And to him, i mean myself because i imagine us the same.
It would be for me really, all for me.
And i suppose its always all for me, for you.
And i imagine you would like to hurt me.
But thats a lie.
You would like to put me in a bonnet and take me downtown.
You want to hide me.
He hid me.
I'd hide myself.
We'd hide each other.
But i guess we already hide from each other.
I cant love you.
You cant love me.
My imagination has got the better off me.
It has beat me.
It will beat me.
It will destory.
It will avenge.
It is what controls me.
It is what drives me.
It is what i am.
It if i fight it, it will only do me in.
It.
It.
It.
It's so fucking it.
It always has been.
It always will be.
It, it will never will be.
It has and hasnt.
It will jerk you.
It hates you.
It doesnt know what to think.
It doesnt understand.
But i understand.
I always have.
It and I are completely different.
In the same matter, but completely differnt.
Not one is the same.
That is what i would like to stress.
Stress upon how the it is slowly killing me.

I illistrated this the other night.

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