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2005-04-09 - 12:24 p.m.
Pope-rah!
Pope serves as an infallible figurhead possessing, in general, "exemption or immunity from liabilty to error or failure, in particular in theological usage, the supernatural prerogative by which the Church of Christ is, by a special Divine assistance, preserved from liability to error in her definitive dogmatic teaching regarding matters of faith and morals." Though the remaining Catholic Church claims to have a stronghold on the available infalliables, we think there are a few overlooked applicants who fit the description. Oprah Winfrey
Spreading literacy across the globe, this asexual dynamo already has 1.1 billion followers. With only 4 million showing up in Rome for the Popes funeral, she is definitely ahead of the game. Oprah knows the value of safe sex, wanted babies and the power of womyn. We think she'd look great in a billowy white shroud. Michael Jackson
The Neverland ranch could become the new Vatican. Wacko Jacko could never match the sexual prowess of the dead Pope and his "infallible" strap-on dildo, but he's making a good run. Jackson got his little alter boys drunk on the blood of Christ, and let them sleep in his tabernacle. But he's got a big assholes to fill. PJPII oversaw one of the biggest pedophilia cover upes since the Greeks made it part of their culture. The Pope had perverted priests transferred to new parishes without punishment and ensured that hard up priests would have nowhere to turn but to their 12-year-old servants. At least Pope Jackson would introduce jazzier numbers for mass. Orlando Bloom
Dude is 28 and he still cant grow chest hair. It doesnt get more wholesome than that. Orlando embodies the strapping image of purity that all other Pope nominees should be measured by. He's 007 in a papal gown. Lets be honest with ourselves here. THe next Pope wont be a chick, and he wont be black. Or American. They're going to stick to their archetypical WASP, so why not a sexy WASP with a British accent? Who played Legolas! He would bring the kids and the geeks on board like crazy. The poster sales? Come on. David Blaine
Not only do his sultry dark eyes lazily seduce you as he levitates and guesses your dead best friends name, he walks around America amazing all kinds of people, from gangsta's to white bread, the NBA to Hollywood. He can hang with anyone. You gotta figure that he could get around that heavy abortion issue by making unwated fetuses just... disappear. No clinic. No killing. JUst good ol' miraculous misconception. They say that it takes a miracle before you can be called a saint. Screw Pope. David Blaine is a living saint! (Lil') Bow Wow
Bow Wow is a Catholic to the tits. Like the Pope, he beleives in exploting the masses for the distribution of crap. While Bow WOw might not have the bling of the women hatin', child fucking homophobe, he comes a close second. Just as the Polish sausage killed his predecessor PJPI - who lived as Pope for ust a few short months and died under Clintonesque mystery - Bow Wow killed the gangsta Snoop Dog and turned him into a muppet. THough these are all potential heavyweight candidates, we're sure the cardinals will decide on another coimpletly usless and inconsequential replacement to fill the plastic bubble of the last completly usless and superfluous Pope. God bless him.
hehehe.
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