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2005-03-12 - 11:24 a.m.
Rant rant rant

Fucking fuck fuck fuck FUUUCK.
I feel like everything is totally falling apart around me. I feel like I am completely out of control and out of touch with everyone. I feel fucking worthless and so god damn lonely. I can't act in any of the prductions I am in, I am nearly failing bio and I feel ugly and I feel fat and I feel like nothing will ever change and I can't fucking stand it. I have no fucking clue who I am or what to do with my life, I don't know what I like or who I want to be. I am in some fucking aweful, white-washed limbo that I can't get out of. I am drowning.
I came home last night and all the power went out in my neighborhood. Not anywhere else...just simply my neighborhood. My parents started actind like assholes and we got in a gigantic fight. I told my mom I knew I was over reacting but I just wanted her to admit (for fucking once) that SHE has a hand in it too and sometimes she treats me as if I were a six year old, and that I wanted her to tell me she at least recognizes how responsible I am. She just stood there in the dark and said "have you washed your bathing suit out yet? It'll get moldy if you don't. And put your pizza away if you are refusing to have it- but don't keep the fridge door open too long because we don't know when power is comming back on. People aren't going to be able to stand you when you move out." At which point I ust fucking freaked out at her. I had so much goddamn pent up anger from the past months that I just screamed (and I mean SCREAMED) "WHY WON'T YOU JUST ADMIT IT!!!!!" Kicked the wall as hard as I could and went downstairs. I tried to call somebody but of course the phone wouldn't work, I tried to get on here to leave a message that I needed somebody to come pick me up and take me away, but the internet wouldn't work. She kept knocking on my door and screaming "GET OUT HERE! YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE SOME PRIVALEGES!!" Then she and my dad just left the house....and I had ANOTHER fucking panic attack. My throat closed up and I couldn't breathe. I just fucking lay there and tried to scream (of course I couldn't), and kicked my door over and over. My computer back-up power thing started beeping really really loud and then I think I passed out. I woke up hours later on my fucking floor and heard my parents upstairs. I figured out how to shut off my stupid beeping computer thing then just lay in bed and came close to doing something very stupid.
Fucking worst night ever.

I just needed to rant, I am sorry.

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