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2005-03-01 - 7:33 p.m.
Re:Resignation

Hi guys. Well, the response to this has been overwhelming.
First off, I haven't actually read any of these entries since my last one yesterday.
Let's start off with this: I am not sure this was the intention, but the overall impression I've gotten is that if I resign from the Crew, I am not ALLOWED to be friends with any of you, or hang out with any of you, or be associated with any of you. I did not realize that being part of the Weekend Crew was such a blood pact. I sincerely hope that wasn't the intent, and I am fairly sure it isn't, so please, someone correct me.
To the person who wrote "stop with all your weepy baggage", I have written a total of two entries relating to this subject. I didn't realize it was possible to make such an alienating assumption about me and my reasons, all of which I shall explain, since clearly an explenation is needed, or a decision. Secondly, and this is not for me, but in future, don't respond to people in such a vindictive way with so little knowledge of, well, anything. You are only painting a worse picture of yourself.
Thanks to the person who wrote the entry previous to that. It was rational, and I appreciate that.
However, I am still left with the feeling that if I resign, I am no longer going to be in any of your lives. All the very kind, and I say that with the utmost sarcasm, and numerous entries of "OK, bye" seem like by this action I'm terminating all contact with anyone. I am sorry, but that is elitist and ridiculous. I'm not jumping off the face of the earth, here, thanks for the support.
As to why I felt I needed to take my leave, well, here I go attemtping to justify myself. I know for a fact I'm going to get a lot of lovely responces to this, but I don't care.
To the very eloquent author of "weepy baggage", yes, you are right in a partial way. I most likely could have asserted myself more, called, invited people to my house...but let me say this in my defence. Perhaps I haven't done such things in the past month, but previous attempts have yielded pretty fruitless. It is all right, I have come to terms with the fact that we are all fairly busy people, and it is hard to actually coordinate. Could I have tried harder, more often? Definitley. But when you realize you are out of the fold, is when you start hearing about get-togethers where almost the entire Crew has been assembled on blogs, for God's sake. What is harder is knowing that not a person there batted an eye at wondering why you weren't. If this happens once or twice, thats fine, but after a certain number you start to wonder.
I think a key reason is the fact I am not in AA or muscial theatre, where, undoubtedly, a lot of these plans took place.
I don't want to end any friendship or relationship or change everything about this group dynamic. I just think that me residing under the title of the Crew is innappropriate. I also find it horrible that people can say "bye" so quickly to people one thought were their friends. I deserve better than this second-hand hearing. I am sorry. But none of you are on the recieving end, here. I would find it hard to believe that any of you would be the better man and ignore all of this. In fact I don't think its even possible. We all deserve better.
I also don't like the fact that I am only getting symoathy, which I don't want, and attention now when I'm executing this apparently drastic action. Well, I don't know, anymore. If not being part of the Crew means not being allowed to see you lot, I don't know that I want to resign. But I know that if it is that extreme, one choice or another, I should make the choice to leave such a superficial environment. I haven't been treated well the past little while. And that is the blatant truth. You all know me, you know how many excuses I make for other people's behaviour, but I am going to draw the line for once. I really hope that things aren't this dramatic, and that I won't get snipey little "leave" responces in responce to this. I've tried to be as rational as I can. And I have, believe it or not, thought a lot about this. The Crew made high school bareable for me. You all changed my life for the better. I would hate to lose that, and I would hate to think that you're willing to lose it, too. But you're, we're not a perfect group of people. Sometimes we hurt others. I hope everything works out. I really, truly do.
Kirsten

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