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2005-02-20 - 12:46 a.m.
I don't expect you to read this, no worries.

Sorry guys, I wouldn't even read this myself...but I can feel a LOOOONG (and I mean long), entry comming on....

Alright, let us think about things.

Every moment is here simply because we believe it is here. It is present at the same time as it is future and past. How do you deciefer what is really present? Do you go by the nano second, or the MILLI TRILLI nano second? The beginning of this entry is now in my past. Your reading "The beginning of this entry is now in my past." is now YOUR past. I am wasting seconds and seconds and seconds and seconds just writing this lame entry. Seconds which will never come back.

Think about that deeply.

Actually take into consideration that you have no control over the fact that your life will END. I can never spend these last fourty-three seconds in any other way than I have.

T minus seventy two years, eight months, three weeks, four days, two hours, sixteen minutes, twelve seconds???
(If I'm lucky)

Let me quote something from the book I'm reading:

"To begin with, for you to be here now trillions of drifting atoms had to somehow assemble in an intricate and intruigingly obliging manner to create you. It's an arrangement so specialized and particular that it has never been tried before and will only exist this once. For the next many years...these tiny particals will uncomplainingly engage in all the billions of deft, cooperative efforts neccessary to keep you intact and let you experience the supremely agreeable but generally underappreciated state known as existance.
Why atoms take this trouble is a bit of a puzzle.....For all their devoted attention, your atoms don't actually care about you-indeed, don't even know you are there. They don't even know THEY are there....and not even themselves, alive. (It is a slightly arresting notion that if you were to pick yourself apart ...one atom at a time, you would produce a mound of fine atomic dust, none of which had ever been alive, but all of which had once been you.) Yet somehow for the period of your existance they will answer to a single overarching impulse; to keep you you."

I am finding these new over-bearing ideas itching at the inside of my skull both uplifting as well as painfully crushing. What actually makes this particualr order of atoms be "alive"? When do "I" become "life" (or anything for that matter?) I am not here because I am special, or because I am really going to affect anything, I am here because for a FLEETING moment in time, it is helpfull for some random pieces of atomic dust to be arranged in this order. ...then, very soon they will tire and fall apart into something else.

At least there IS something else, is the comfort I find in this. "Life" is just one single, likely tiny part of "existance" (a distinction that I have yet to allow my brain to comprehend).

Sitting on the bus, I thought about this. I turned over the idea that after death "I" disapear, but move on to some next stage which I don't think anyone will ever understand. "I" am, as said above, simply atomic dust and energy...and as we learned in grade nine science "Engery cannot be created or destroyed, simply transformed"...should this one statement be true then none of us can ever "be gone" we will simply just be something else...or many things else....as the particles which are "us" will disperse and travel galaxies to perhaps float endlessly, or to become a star, or a planet, or a moose, or someother life form somewhere else.

In a way this is comforting...but more-so it makes me want to cling to the earth, cry like a baby and scream "I WANT TO LIVE!!!!!".....but, what good would that do? I have no control.
NO CONTROL.
NO choice in the matter.
NO say.

I wish in moments like these I could be religious. It would be far easier for me to believe that there is a pleasant, warm, comforting home awaiting me after I die...that my "soul" (what a positivly bizarre, human creation the sould is, isn't it?) will just float happily into the sky, where I will "exist" forever. I wish I could believe that some sort of force was looking down on me, helping me live out my life, creating some sort of order in the universe.

The fact is (for me, anyway) that I can't see order. To me, the universe is random, unpredictable...GENERALLY abiding by some basic laws but denying them so commonly that it is immpossible to make any sort of a prediction of what the future holds. I can't see meaning in life....or in "existance"...why IS there even a universe? What is the point??? For fucks sake....I hadn't even thought that before....WHY?

WHY is there anything?

Not just a planet, or people, or a solar system, or stars....everything? Is "it" the natural state of....(the english language denys me the ability to complete this sentance) to be "here"? What is the point of anything? Or...is this state of....(fill in word that doesn't exist) a fleeting moment as well? Maybe "the universe" just wanted to "try it out"...and will find so much chaos and disorder that it will collapse upon itself and create a more stable environment of....NOTHINGNESS?

AGGGGGHHHH...honestly questions like these make me wish to labotomize myself.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to imagine "nothing". Just think about it......klashdfna;ovahgbbkadjhjkbv. How can there be NOTHING? No air...not dust...no darkness...no light...just...nothing? The idea that the universe is EXPANDING is not to be understood either...because for it to be true it would mean that it is expanding into space that ISN'T THERE.

asdkjfhaiuoshvjkbsdvui

I have to stop.
I am seriously going crazy.
I can't sleep at night because I lie awake thinking about all of this.
I want to rip out my brain, put it on a plate and stab at it with a fork.
(I want to draw a picture of that now).
I wish I could figure out what I believe in.

Fuck.

Ok, if you read this all you deserve a present.

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