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2004-12-23 - 12:32 a.m. It all went down so easily, much easier than I ever imagined. I wont list it all here, but when it was done, I still thought I could have downed some more. Laying out in the snow, feeling completly awake, waiting for something to happen, the cold seeping in through the ground. Waiting for it to all happen. Standing in the kitchen across from you, feeling completly lucid...crying my eyes out, I couldnt feel my legs, but it was the same feeling as in the mall so I didnt take much note of it. I kept falling over into the pantry door. I couldnt stop crying, but it was okay, cause I was finally saying everything that I ever wanted to say to you... Sitting outside on the couch, my mother holding me close, asking me whats wrong... I confess and she becomes desperate, she tries to hurry me out, but I am frantic to tell you where I'm going... We drive to the hospital, and I realize I've done something really stupid, and so I start shoving my fingers down my throat...stream of white vomit comes up twice... I keep appologizing, saying I never really wanted to. The tears wont stop now, and it's strange because those pills usually make me unable to cry. We make it into the hospital, and we're standing in line...I just want to scream, because everyones looking at me. I guess I am crying alot... there is a man standing in front of me, and I want to scream at the nurses that I am dying, that I cant feel my legs, that I cant stand in line very long. I'm struggling to stay awake, and I cant really feel anything anymore. It's like I'm outside of myself. I can feel things, but it's like I'm touching another person when I put my hand against my own face. I tell my mom everything that pops into my head, but I can barely think or hear what I'm saying... I'm strugling to stay awake because I'm afraid that if I fall asleep I will never wake up. I'm in a bed, and the nurse is being very mean, and I diserve it, but I really just want people to be nice to me because I am sorry... I try to think if I'd be mean to someone in the same situation, but I really dont think that I would unless they were mean to me first, and all I am doing now is appologizing. She sticks things on me, and attaches wires to them, it doesnt feel good to be a machine. There is a tube stuck in my hand, but it's strange because I dont even notice even though it's my one biggest fear to have things in my veins. My mom is on one side of me, and my dad is on the other, I really dont remember what else is going on...two beds down from me there is a woman screaming about how she needs to go to the washroom, and they keep telling her she doesnt. It seems so absurd to me. The mean nurse comes back, and she gives me a bottle of stuff to drink. She says I have to drink it all down, even though it's disgusting, and I remember someone told me they had to drink it when they had alcohol poisoning. I tell my parents this, and then I drink it all down. It tastes like liquid sand. It tastes like the beach is in my mouth. It's black like death should be, and in my stomache, feels about the same. I finally fall asleep, but I keep waking up because my parents are talking, and because the wires that are attached to me are very uncomforatable, now I'm just waiting for the doctor to come and tell me if I can go home. I tell everyone that will listen that I just want to go home, I dont want to have to stay in a psych ward. Hospitals are really scary, especially at night, because they are so dark... dark and quite, and loud at the same time, and unlike any other place on earth. The doctor comes, and asks me questions, he tells me things I already know, how bad it is what I did, wants to make sure I wont do it again... I wont, I promise. I am so scared. I'm sorry guys... I shouldnt have done that, and it was really stupid, and Ireally just wanted to say sorry to all of you. And I really hope that it doesnt make any of you think differently of me. It was stupid... I guess I cant keep going on appologizing. |
